I Keep Forgetting

That We're Not In Love Anymore. That is such a pussy way to say it. I keep forgetting that we're not in love anymore?! Bullshit, it's kind of all that you can think of when you realize that your High School Gym teacher isn't in love with you anymore or whatever. It's all I can think about now that Dave Tango from Ghost Hunters and I aren't in love anymore. Tony Danza too. And also Paul Ruben's ventriloquist dummy (stage name Pee Wee Herman... it's ironic- trust me!!!) So maybe we're not in love anymore- At least I don't have to tell them in my own words, yes that's right, I can just play them a song and watch the tears cry me a river, oh yes cry me a river (Paton pending).

B.B King- The Thrill Is Gone
I'm On Your Side-Bonnie Raitt
Bye Bye Love- The Cars (only because of the sick guitar solo's, it makes me think of breaking up with someone... really)
It's Too Late- Carole King
Not Your Lover- Blitzen Trapper*
March Of The Meanies- The Beatles**
I'll Follow The Sun- The Beatles***
That's Just What You Are- Aimee Mann

P.S. This idea was stolen directly from Spencer Albee. Thanks Spence (Paton pending)

P.S.S. We at 2008 was the new 2003 agree that suicide jokes are funny.  And in our next installment, Tittie Fucking Is The New 2nd Base, we will detail why.  

*You have to know that I don't actually care for Blitzen Trapper at all, but shit- it's like that Natasha Beddingfield song Unwritten. It's just freaking awesome, like tittie fucking on the first date.
**In this here song I imagine that all I would have to do is look at Gael Garcia and He would totally understand how I felt, and just various threatening eye movements would send him in to a frenzy that would drive him to some kind of rash Owen Wilson like stunt (that was also caused by Owen forgetting that we weren't in love anymore).
*** Only to make up for the last one, sorry, really it's not you- it's me.

Nothing Says Christmas Like ----

It's like a MadLib, you are supposed to fill in the blank after the word Like. It doesn't have to be just the number 69 or a swear word like boobies! For instance I would say Nothing Says Christmas Like Drinking Wine In The Boat House Without Your Friend's Parents Knowing Even Though You Bought The Wine With Your Real Drivers Licence. Maybe you would say Nothing Says Christmas Like Being A Jew, or Nothing Says Christmas Like A Quart Of Bag Balm And Some Flash Pasteurizers. Whatever your into, I think that you can truly appreciate this holiday mixer that contains neither egg-nog nor gefelta fishes. Nothing Says Christmas Like Begging For Money To Buy A Present For Your Son (also known as buying crystal meth). Nothing Says Christmas Like A Good Rape Joke At Brunch. Nothing Says Christmas Like:

Tom Waits- Heart Attack And Vine
Elton John- Razor Face
The Nappy Roots- Po' Folks
Big Tymers- Still Fly
Man Man- Rabbit Habbits
Lou Reed- A Gift
Dick Van Dyke- Toot Sweet
Fiona Apple- Fast As You Can
The Parson Red Heads- Punctual As Usual (obligatory)
Todd Rundgren- Be Nice To Me
The Velvet Underground- All Tomorrow's Parties
Bad Company- All Right Now
De La Sol- Shopping Bags (She Got From You)
The Black Keys- I Cry Alone
and any duet singing Baby It's Cold Outside

I know that the last one didn't really fit the list because it actually IS a song about snow and shit, but wait! It does still belong because it is the Rapiest of all holiday music. Yes, More than Toot Sweet, more than Be Nice To Me (pause for laughter). But get it- Nothing Says Christmas Like Scrapping Something Together At The Last Minute Because You Could Think Of Any Thing Else And You've Been Procrastinating For Like A Month And A Half (pause for emphasis).

Look forward to our next installment where we copy someone else's brilliant idea, call it our own, and GET PAID nexttonothing FOR IT.

From: 2008 was the new 2003

Just An Evening In With Me And Some AB/DL's

I realize that I am completely in 1997 with my discovery of the AB (adult baby) and DL (diaper lovers) fetish, but it was like the first time I discovered the HJ's (last year)- I was intrigued and also grossed out.  People are into this.  And this.  And this.  But you know, these are just regular people who love diapers, and the adults who wear them.  They like dogs, and stories, and John Lennon.  And they need to make some things clear- these people are not  child molesters and the quickly expel such sickos when they are found out.  I totally give them props, I mean, they are daring to other and expose a group of people who practice weird and fetishistic desires surrounding childhood! You know what, Adult Babies, take a stand!  Defend the child inside who longs to wear a poopie diaper and get breast fed!  Defend children against exploitation!  Don't let images of them get jerked off to!  Defend your right to think that babies are sexy ('cause they are, and so is this)! 

Oddly enough- the Japanese are really into AB/DL.  Huh.  I REALLY didn't see that coming. 

 

This is an ode to AB/DL's everywhere.  Really it's just a collection of songs that I think they would like, nice and relaxing, you know.  

John Lennon- Imagine

Christina Agulara- You Are Beautiful

Flogging Molly- Drunken Lullabies (they can be hard-core(ish)!)

The Cure- Lullaby (they can be make-up clad and depressed(ish)!)

Prince- Do Me, Baby

Bob Marley- Get Up, Stand Up

George Micheal- Freedom!

The Beatles- You've Got To Hide Your Love Away

Hall and Oates- Adult Education

You get my point right?  Honestly this is freaking me out too much to think about it any longer.

The moral of the story?  You have to expect that everyone you meet for the first time might by an AB/DL, because they look just like you and me, especially if they are Japanese.*

*Editor's Note: I didn't mean me, I don't look Japanese, I just didn't want to seem racist- you know?  You might look Japanese, and thats okay!  You can do whatever makes you happy- even if that IS being Japanese.  

Sexy For "The Cure"

No, I'm not talking about the Sussex nightmare of 1976 (alright I do like The Cure, but at the same time I acknowledge that it’s not going to get me anywhere- just like being 22), but something much funnier. What’s funnier than Just Like Heaven? I’ll tell you what is- being sexy for The Cure on Halloween. Makes you feel funnier than listening to Just Like Heaven doesn’t it? That’s because it is. I don’t mean funny like when a Mormon asks you if he can go “south of the boarder” on your first date (that happened to my friend, not me, I swear I would never go out with a Mormon), or funny like when you see a pregnant teenager on the day of her GED graduation smoking cigarettes in the back parking lot, or funny like this- No I mean you feel funny like when you smell fermenting menstrual blood in the gas station bathroom, or funny like being a hot cop on Halloween, or funny like wanting to live in a building with a fountain outside. These songs and their mille fois (it’s French!) make me feel funny in a lot of different ways, Par Example (French!): funny like a Hitler mustache, funny like a “that’s what she said” joke and funny like when you wake up and realized that you shaved your cat and left only his paws furry.


Charlene- Never Been To Me
UB40- I’m Gonna Make You Sweat*
Riskay- Smell Yo’ Dick
April Stevens- Teach Me Tiger**
Grease (The Musical)- Summer Nights
Destiny’s Child- Cater 2 U***
Melissa Ethridge- Come Into My Window
Tracy Champman- Fast Car****
Wu Tang Clan- Method Man*****
Shaggy- It Wasn’t Me
Gweneth Paltrow & Huey Lewis- Crusin’ Together
TLC- Red Light Special

Can you think of other songs that make you go hmmm? If you can’t C&C Music Factory has an extensive list of things that make you go hmmm that you can draw some inspiration from.


*More Rapey than the Bob Marley version and infinitely less cool.
** Again, more Rapey than the others
*** More Rapey isn’t necessarily what we are looking for to put you in this list- this song if less Rapey than let’s say I Would Die 4 U or other songs with number letter short cuts. But you don’t have to take my word for it!
**** It’s not just because they are both gay, get off my case!
***** I believe this actually refers directly to anal rape, but again, not the only thing that should make you feel funny about this.

"Slow Jamz": Volume One

You know what I mean-- "Slow Jamz". I believe someone was not so subtle not too long ago and named theirs "I'm Trying To Get In Your Pants". Same thing. You remember all those compilations that they sold on late night television with like twenty five disks. Who needs 38 hours of sexy songs? I don't. You see the art of "Slow Jamz" is to trick the person you apply it on. Yeah, application like a salve or a game that you load on your new iTouch. You are sitting in the dark drinking some scotch or some port on your leather couch and you say casually and kindof loudly "Lets turn on some music?!". You've got it in the bag (especially after the Roofie/Viagra combo that you have soaked the glass in and let dry before you went out "dancing" at The Fez). And this is why:

Steely Dan- Dirty Work
Beck- No Complaints
Bill Withers- Use Me
Shelby Lynne- Dream Some
Crowded House- Into Temptation
Amy Winehouse- Love Is A Losing Game
The Roots- Coming To Break You Off
A Tribe Called Quest- Electric Relaxation
Erykah Badu- Next Lifetime
Lauren Hill- Nothing Even Matters
Stan Getz & Joao Gilberto- Corcovado
Sondre Lerche & The Faces Down Quartet- (You Knocked Me) Off My Feet
Billie Holiday- Some Other Spring
Omara Portuondo- Veinte Anos
Andre 3000- Prototype

Now, I understand that you are surprised that there is no Jack Johnson or The Basement Jaxx on this mix, but again, I cannot stress enough (Roofie/Viagra) that this is supposed to be sexy, and what says sexy more than a girl who smokes crack? or suggesting that we could be butterflies? or a language other than English? or begging to be used, until you are used up. All I'm saying is look out- Because I have a sexy mix and a sexy amount of sedatives.

(2008 is the new 2003 does not technically condone the use of Flunetrazapam in combine with Slidenafil citrate in a sexual setting. We are just saying that its something to consider.)

Folk Me?! Folk You!!

I've been working on this here mix for about three weeks. Why so long to compile only ten songs, why so long only to be forced to put on "Pink Moon" literally steeling from the spiny fingers of a Volkswagen commercial. Really? Yeah, I did it. Nick Drake. The problem I'm having here is listening to more than 10 folk songs. Ever. Not that I don't love a hardy dose of stoned musicians singing about how lovely the world is, but after 20 minutes I figuratively want to strum myself from the Broadway bridge and stay there, a capella, until I can't think of anymore metaphors that have to do with life and life’s trials and tribulations. I love it, and I hate it at the exact same time. I hear myself singing “Heart of Gold” exactly like Neil Young would want me to, and I see myself crying when Yusurf Islam (for all of you who were around when “folk” was still “folkie” Yusurf Islam used to be Cat Stevens) tells me that I can do what I want, that the opportunity is mine, and I think to myself… Folk me?! Folk you!!

Cat Stevens- If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out
Bob Dylan- Lay, Lady, Lay
George Harrison- Give Me Love
James Taylor- Fire and Rain
Neil Young- Old Man
Joni Mitchell- Little Green
Carole King- So Far Away
Fleetwood Mac- Never Going Back Again
Simon & Garfunkel- April Come She Will
Nick Drake- Pink Moon

On a side note, I am aware of how much I mention crying, and I'm okay with who I am, and if you take a look at my life, I'm a lot like you-

P.S.S. I know that I got a little crazy with the links, but Jenny from STAFF MEAL showed me how to do it. So now that's all I'm gonna do.

I Want to Eat Ice Cream and Cry: For Billy

This is for my good friend Billy, who is recently broken up with his girlfriend. You want to listen to this alone, and probably a little drunk, and definitely in your underwear. Do it Billy, its going to get you through it. We are just trying to get through this.

The Strokes- Fear of Sleep
Buck Owens- Heartbreak Mountain
NRBQ- Nothing Wrong With Me
Creedence Clearwater Revival- Long As I Can See The Light
Chicago- If You Leave Me Now
Al Green- For The Good Times
Todd Rundgren- Be Nice To Me
Destroyer- Blue Flower/ Blue Flame
Basement Jaxx- If I Ever Recover
Beck- Lonesome Tears
Bonnie Raitt- I Can't Make You Love Me
Fiona Apple- Love Ridden
Sinead O'Connor- Nothing Compares 2 U
Glen Campbell- By the Time I Get To Phoenix
Rhett Miller- Come Around

Let me defend my choices real quick. I know that there are some bad ones, and I know it seems like I really like the Basement Jaxx (I don’t! I swear! Okay I do), but these are very break up specific. The order is most important here Billy, I promise it’s going to take you through and your going to be a better man for it. And if you don’t have the album “Sea Change” your going to have to get it. There have been many a weeks spent in bed listening to Sea Change through headphones. P.S. sorry about putting on I Can’t Make You Love Me, but your gonna need a good cry, maybe there will even be a gasm to go with it… Gross, I didn’t want to picture that.